Sunday, December 17, 2006

Shopping Makes Me Bitchy

Dear Dork Vinyl Clerks at
Reckless Records;

I realize that the consumer feeding frenzy of the holiday season has made you crazy busy. I feel your pain. As a bartender, I used to have to wait on that many people every Friday and Saturday night. True it was me alone, as opposed to the six of you -- but...I get it. You were overwhelmed.

I have been shopping at your quality establishment for 20 years. Why? You stock a reasonably priced comprehensive catalog of nearly every type of listenable music ever pressed or lasered or burned. Occasionally, you are even friendly -- as if you appreciate my business.

Do you suppose you can understand why it might piss a woman off -- yes, in her thirties and wearing a goofy black baseball cap to cover to her stringy Sunday hair -- why a woman might get really fucking irritated after being ignored by each of the 6 of you twice while your buddy's band's half-assed demo CD was turned up way too loud and you waited on every vintage-plaid-coat-and-horn-rimmed- glasses wearing, just-rolled-out-of-bed-cuz-he-spent-the-morning-spanking-the-monkey, shopping-for-himself-in-December,pseudo hipster, trust fund Wicker Park brat that walked up after her.

Do you really think those are the people who are going to be cool with you in 10 years?

Hell, no!!! You make $7.00 an hour at a record store. In ten years they will be "The Man". Even now, they don't have to work and yet spend more money on themselves in a week than we do in 6 months. Did you notice that they never buy a round of drinks -- not even in December? But I'll bet they've pounded a few pints purchased with your sweat.

Look down, boys...you and I are walking around in the same beat sneakers. I've worked hard waiting on the public for minimum wage. I, too, have excellent customer service skills. And that is why I know EXACTLY what you mean when you call me "ma'am" 5 times in the space of 3 minutes.

Sweeties-- please remember the following the next time you have the opportunity to wait on me:

1. When you were home watching Urkel in your footie pajamas, I was out doing shots with a few of the groups in the posters on your walls.

2. When you are between jobs, I'm the kind of "ma'am" that'll buy YOU a beer.

Sincerely,
Sirena

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

That was GREAT! You know who else pisses me off? Those snooty chicks behind the cosmetics counters at the fancy department stores.

La Sirena said...

Yes!!! That's why I buy my cosmetics at Walgreens -- whoever works there is generally a homegirl and not pretentious. Plus the prices are lower.

pelmo said...

Is this turning out to be a Dear Eloise column. Were learning where to shop for cosmetics, panties, bras and girldles. What next how to get wine stains out of carpeting, and other helpfull household hints.

La Sirena said...

If you mean a Hints From Heloise column...I hadn't considered that -- but now that you mention it, that could be a great idea!

Thanks!