Psychic Spam and Eggs

Sara spams me weekly. I guess she's an astrologer. According to her emails she often wakes up in the middle of the night worrying about me. For that reason, I am unable to push the button that relegates her forever to my junk mail box. It's nice to know absolute strangers are deeply concerned about my well-being.

(The Harley Farmers taught me to use that phrase -- there's a mess of those guys downstate -- Sirena darling, they said, Whether you're spinning your scooter sideways down a gravel road, or if a drought comes and your corn and beans are rotting in the field -- or even if the county mounties show up at your still with a warrant, handcuffs and a camera ---never, never, never get scared. Just be deeply concerned. Now be a good girl and fetch us some more beers.)

Anyway, back to Sara...(I guess she put me in mind of the Harley Farmers, because she looks like she should be selling dime bags of homegrown at Little Sturgis or somesuch.) So, Sara periodically wakes up in the middle of the night, because she's worried about me. Here's part of the email she sent me today:

I can tell you now, you are one of the most remarkable people I have encountered throughout my existence, because your life is full of contradictions.

True that -- the contradictions, I mean. I'm not so sure about the remarkable. She goes on,

What surprises me most is the immense gap between the life your are living now and the live you could live. Take money, for instance: you seem to be always short, whereas you deserve to have enough money to pay off all of your debts and live a life of great luxury.

I am always short on money -- however, I chalk it up to being a single mom and my bone deep belief that greed is the root of many of the world's problems. Okay, and sometimes it's just straight up poor planning and the magic of impulsivity. In other words, I'm often short on cash because of things I've done -- for example, getting knocked up unmarried and at the age of 19 OR because of my bad attitude regarding money, which in turn leads to decisions that tend not to prioritize the accumulation of wealth.

But Sara says none of this is my fault, nor my responsibility.

I think I have found the answers to these questions, for I have uncovered the real cause of your problems, your concerns and difficulties. Some new (and very important) facts that I detected about you have led me to believe that earlier in your life you have been subjected to a particularly negative influence that has been coming in the way of your success for all these years.

That’s too bad, because this maleficent influence paralyzes you and constantly obstructs your attempts to make the most of the various opportunities to change your existence that turn out in your life every now and then. Even worse, because of this negative influence, some your qualities couldn’t find their way out! This is why all the hidden gifts and talents you possess (unknowingly) have been unable to come out into the light, to this day.

Wait...is she saying that all of my gifts and talents are hidden??? Damnit!

I have discovered astonishing things in store for you...

Yes, you must live a life free of any material shortages, a life where Money is brimming and Happiness and Love abundant. Why, then, this striking difference between your life today and the life you could be living?

I want you to live in unclouded Happiness, surrounded by the people you love, with plenty of Money to afford anything that you desire.

Do you think she's planning to become my Sugar Mama, supporting me with money garnered from online psychic readings and slinging dope at Biker Rallies? ??

Something tells me no -- like the part of the email where she asks me to send her money.