Wednesday, October 11, 2006

La Sirena’s Standardized Vocabulary Exam for Republicans

Brought to you by the No Bush Left Behind Program.

(Please circle the correct answer. If you do not circle the correct answer completely, your answer will be marked wrong. Do not write on your computer screen. Print the test form. Complete the test form. If you are a fundamentalist Christian, have the test form notarized by a 30 year-old-virgin with a notarized hymen. Fax the completed test form to the Exam Mistress at 1-666-ROB-BERY between the hours of 6:30 and 6:45 a.m. CDT ONLY on Thursday, October 12th. Failure to do so will result in a failure. Now take a deep breath and relax, because if you receive a score of less than 80%, your position will be permanently transferred to someone less offensive on November 7.)
Select the answer that most closely defines the given word.

1. Pedophile
a. A portable cabinet with drawers.
b. An adult who is attracted to adults of the same sex
c. An adult who is sexually attracted to children.

2. Gay
a. Bright and cheery
b. An adult who is sexually attracted to children
c. Having a sexual attraction to persons of the same sex

3. Gay Bashing
a. Protecting an underage intern from a sexual predator
b. Publicly outing a pedophile in Congress
c. Beating or persecuting someone because they are gay/ homosexual

4. Jailbait
a. A hot adolescent who really wants it
b. Illegal Wiretapping
c. The Patriot Act

5. Negotiation
a. The process of bombing the hell out of another country until we get their oil
b. The process of invading another country in order to make them do what we say
c. The process whereby interested parties resolve disputes, agree upon courses of action, bargain for individual or collective advantage, and/or attempt to craft outcomes which serve their mutual interests.
d. Pissing off a power-crazed adversary with a hair-trigger temper until he begins detonating nuclear weapons. Blame your predecessor for the behavior of your adversary and his nuclear target practice.

6. Christianity
a. The religious system which follows the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth
b. The only correct and morally sound religion
c. A handy tool in the practice of Social Engineering


Pauly said...

Funny stuff. Of course I'm stuck on question 5. I want to pick C but I get the feeling that's the wrong answer. I try to look toward my political leaders for the correct answer. They should know, right?! Who am I kidding. I wouldn't get past the qualifications. Notorized by a virgin? In this country?? Now that truly is funny!

La Sirena said...

I know, I're such a follower. Maybe your leaders will lead you to the virgins -- hey, wait! Isn't that the reward for Jihad? Or is that just a rumor?

Indigobusiness said...

Interesting, but bashing is gratuitous criticism (in this context), not beating. That's battery.

Lead me to the virgins...however.

La Sirena said...

There will be no virgins sacrificed to you, Mr. Business.

From Webster:
The persecution of homosexuals and transgendered individuals (gay-bashing) is the practice of persecuting a person, usually through physical attack, because they are or are perceived to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered.

Indigobusiness said...

Then sacrifice me to them.


Webster always catches up to colloquial usage, eventually.

La Sirena said...

Have at it. Personally, I'm with Jimi Hendrix on this one.

Gay battery refers to domestic violence within a homosexual relationship, not the hate crime.

Indigobusiness said...

I was making general distinction regarding your contextual use of bashing.

You are wrong, now sit down.

Preferably in a corner.

La Sirena said...

I will concede to being guilty of the indulgence of hyperbole -- from a contextual perspective.

"No one puts (Sirena) in the corner."

Indigobusiness said...

Spank me...spank you.

La Sirena said...

What do you mean?
Estoy confundida.

Indigobusiness said...

Aha! Everybody wins.

La Sirena said...

So you say...

Indigobusiness said...

Uh oh. You lose.

Should've sat in the corner.

La Sirena said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
La Sirena said...

Is arbitrary assignation of winners and losers one of your superpowers?

You go sit in the corner.

Indigobusiness said...

There you go again.

Bad loser.

La Sirena said...

(Sigh. Eye roll. )

Your real superpower is nonsensicality.

Indigobusiness said...

You figured me out.

To no avail.

La Sirena said...

But figuring people out is so damned gratifying.