Sunday, September 03, 2006

I've Been Reading Too Much Anais Nin

I spent 2 days in the apartment feeling weary of myself and everyone. I could not shower and paced the floors, smoking nervously; occasionally cleaning the place in sections -- my apartment is a sticky orange!

I call my friend the psychic, who tells me this is because I am in a karmic low energy cycle. (This does not surprise me, because I've been unable to change out of my favorite men's army shorts since Friday. I spilled my morning tea on the left leg this morning, so I took them off and hung them over the shower rod.) This explains the pacing.

When I pace and smoke I think more clearly. I am able to grasp at whisps of my obssesive undercurrents, and although the ideas slip through hands like smoke, my fingers are yellow and smell like nicotine.

At 1 a.m. I decisevly change the cat box. As I tie off the trash bag, my son awakens. He looks at me with sleep crusting in the corners of his eyes and says, "I've been having very valid dreams."

This afternoon I put an end to my isolation. I take off my men's shorts and dive into traffic, fleeing recklessly through construction cones to the anonymity of the suburbs where my father makes us a delicious pasta, and my sister pregnant and redolent with roses and humor, makes us laugh.

(Despite my irreverance, I do enjoy La Nin.)


Indigobusiness said...

A father who makes delicious pasta, and son with valid dreams. What more could one want?

With or without army shorts, but decidedly with La Nin.

La Sirena said...

Yes -- I am a lucky lady!

Indigobusiness said...

re: And army shorts are very contra La Nin, no?

Yes, I am a very lucky lady, but I always want more...that's my basic flaw.

But my dearest Ib, that must be difficult for you to understand, as you are surely flawless. Or at least a better Buddhist???

You must have me confused with whom I'd like to be. But, flawed as I am, I'm good enough a Buddhist to know these sorts of endless cravings are the wellspring of misery.

Stay sharp being grateful, gracious, and glad. Things will then fall into place.

Army shorts? Not into military anything, me nor La Nin. Peace.

La Sirena said...

No, not the military thing -- but military shorts?-- easy to find
second hand, cheap, sturdy AND comfy.

Craving may be the wellspring of misery, but sometimes, sometimes
desire can be the womb of creativity...I am grateful that I desire and

I've never really been much of a Buddhist -- more of a sophist neopagan universalist.

Indigobusiness said...

I figured you for a lusty wench.

If craven desire weren't such a ton of fun, the misery would hardly be worth it. Not that it's an irredeemably bad thing, just that there's something to be learnt. Paradox is fraught with wisdom, and vice versa.

I can't separate the miltary from the shorts. Confession: I have my very own Swedish army boxers.

I'm not a very good Buddhist, but I try to feed that part of me...along with the sophist neopagan universalist part.