Thursday, July 29, 2010

"You took my joy; I want it back."

I'm feeling frequently fucked with -- and fat. And forgetful.

Actually, it's weird mind meld and worry, worry, anxiety. But I'm lucky. I developed the following side effect to my MS medication:

progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy (PML), an opportunistic viral infection of the brain that usually leads to death or severe disability
But I didn't die and I'm not severely disabled although I am a long way from myself still. And I've gained massive amounts of weight thanks to the treatment meds -- which are saving my brain but nobody's tried to pick me up lately; not even on the down low. I guess living and thinking but being chastely fat are way superior to death or permanent retardation... but it doesn't make me enjoy all of the fat fucking chastity and the b.s. from my bosses cuz my memory and efficiency are not up to par and losing my job means losing money and my health insurance. And I had to let my cat move in with a friend (who is one of the best pet owners in the city -- but I'm sad about my kitty being gone). Damn, I am irritable, crabby and whiny. Buh!
Also, I became a mom when I was 20 and unmarried. I don't know really how to be an adult without a kid at home to take care of and he's moving to New York tomorrow. And I can't even cry. I can't remember the last time I cried. I think it's when he & I got in an arguement at 11:30 p.m. on a corner in Manhattan last February when we were there visiting colleges.
But if I'm dumb, broke, fat and all alone, I'll probably actually attract my soul mate or whatever.

This image was created by Veronica Pearson & posted on her blog. The title of this post is a quote from a Lucinda Williams' song called "Joy".


Indigobusiness said...

Being celibate does not not make one chaste, and being large and in charge is an absolute turn-on for the Rubenesque loving submissives out there.

So, enjoy your badself (your body isn't the real you, anyway). I'm just glad you took a licking and are still ticking, so to speak, I've been a bit concerned.

Crying can be such a healthy thing, and being unable to is almost crippling, but someday you'll get righteously laid, have a good cry, your cat will want to move back in...and the world will smell like roses again.

La Sirena said...

Thanks, Indie! Your response was supportive and positive. Just got back from Brooklyn and moving my baby into his first apartment. What's that Octavia Butler quote I love: "God is change." (And God is good.)

Zoro said...

You know when I read a couple of your outstanding posts six months ago? Made me think you were writing really high grade English language. And even further back, you lost the way for a few months (do I know that one!). By now, Jen, however scary it gets, it can all be posted, while suffused with all your high grade human condition-passion. You really lifted me when you said I am talented (funny how some of us get confused about that). Let's keep our heads while those around us are losing there's. Ha!Ha!


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