Vampires, Insomnia, and Other Scary Stuff

Isn’t it annoying when you stay up most of the night reading a REALLY dumb book because the cover was pretty and now you can’t put it down because you must know if the protagonist:

• Will leave her vampire for the sweet son of the Quileute Elder and have a wholesome, human life?
• Will be injected with vampire venom by her boyfriend and become undead and immortal like him?
• Will be accidentally killed by her vampire boyfriend because her blood smells so damn good that he loses control, snatches and drains her?

But no…

The book ends as an advertisement for the sequel. In fact they even include the prologue to the next book at the end of the novel as “a bonus”. Some bonus! I wasn’t warned -- it wasn’t written by Nora Roberts – no explicit sexplanations, either. Why is that? Why is everyone always so sensual and constantly turned on in vampire novels? The characters have about as much sex as your average cloistered nun. Except for the book in which Lestat went to Hell and fell in love with the last scion – and that was a strictly Clintonian situation, anyway.

Maybe I should start writing silly and titillating novels for fun and profit? I'm really sick of being all insomniac and getting up in the morning because some people who aren't me think it is necessary to the turning of the world. In reality, my mind is much sharper in the afternoon and evening and I have about thrice as much energy and am much better organized when I can sleep from 4 a.m. ish to 11 a.m. ish, spend a couple hours sipping hot caffeinated beverages and doing chores before working. I probably would never be sleep-deprived again.

OK and here are some novels I would write for fun and profit:

• A bible erotica series: This idea is the son of an idea cooked up by MariFish and I when we were in senior english lit. Our teacher had been very pervy towards us during lunch and was now pontificating on the importance of the Church in life and literature. Being salty adolescent females we climbed up onto the windowsill and pointedly spent the entirety of his lecture whispering to each other. We were trying to come up with deeds that would get us excommunicated from the Catholic Church. We decided the quickest and most artistically satisfying way to acheive that end was to write and film Pornos for Jesus. We were sure to be excommunicated and rich -- plus there was endless material: the healing of the lepers, the last supper, the stations of the cross, the merchants in the temple, etc. With the bible erotica series, I'll have both the Old and New Testaments at my disposal and won't have to actually film any of the depravity I cook up. Plus, I'll probably still be excommunicated, I'll fire up the Fundamentally Impaired Religious Right more than a gynecologist accepting medicaid, AND all the controversy will sell a ton of books.

• Vampire books complete with sexplanations: It has to be done.
• Sci-Fi /Fantasy because I like it.
• I will also attempt something of literary value at some point.
• Travelogues so I can visit lots of places.