I think the Flying Spaghetti Monster has taken up residence in my stomach. He's trying to convert me and save my heretic soul by squatting in my digestive system. I guess it's a nice thing but I haven't been able to eat normally in weeks. That will tarnish a person's soul and temperment.
For one thing, I can no longer digest meat. This isn't the end of the world, but I could have used a little forewarning.
Also, I can't keep more than one meal down a day. Otherwise he starts growling and howling and I start spewing. Last week it was two meals, but he doesn't think I've accepted him as my personal saviour, so he's stepped up his game.
He's right, I haven't accepted him as my personal saviour. I also haven't accepted Jesus Christ as my personal saviour. Why should I claim a "personal" saviour? I think it would be offensive to all of the other gods and messiahs and saints I have loved and invoked. I mean, he wants me to be exclusive with my theistic symbology, but I'm just not ready for that kind of paradigm committment. I need to explore my connections to other divine intelligences. It's only right.
Furthermore, I don't always find WWJD to be the most effective visualization technique. Sometimes I have to carry too many things, and so I might think "what would Shiva do?"... or maybe my brother is dead, so I say "what would Isis do?"... and after we use up all of the water on this planet, I'm probably going to want to say "what would Chalchiuhtlicue do?"....
But I know the answer to "what would flying spaghetti monster do"...
He would possess my stomach until I became a pastafarian.