Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Flying Spaghetti Monster


I think the Flying Spaghetti Monster has taken up residence in my stomach. He's trying to convert me and save my heretic soul by squatting in my digestive system. I guess it's a nice thing but I haven't been able to eat normally in weeks. That will tarnish a person's soul and temperment.

For one thing, I can no longer digest meat. This isn't the end of the world, but I could have used a little forewarning.

Also, I can't keep more than one meal down a day. Otherwise he starts growling and howling and I start spewing. Last week it was two meals, but he doesn't think I've accepted him as my personal saviour, so he's stepped up his game.

He's right, I haven't accepted him as my personal saviour. I also haven't accepted Jesus Christ as my personal saviour. Why should I claim a "personal" saviour? I think it would be offensive to all of the other gods and messiahs and saints I have loved and invoked. I mean, he wants me to be exclusive with my theistic symbology, but I'm just not ready for that kind of paradigm committment. I need to explore my connections to other divine intelligences. It's only right.

Furthermore, I don't always find WWJD to be the most effective visualization technique. Sometimes I have to carry too many things, and so I might think "what would Shiva do?"... or maybe my brother is dead, so I say "what would Isis do?"... and after we use up all of the water on this planet, I'm probably going to want to say "what would Chalchiuhtlicue do?"....

But I know the answer to "what would flying spaghetti monster do"...

He would possess my stomach until I became a pastafarian.

13 comments:

pelmo said...

Don't blame this on the pasta benders. It's your compulsion to consume south of the boarder cuisine that had caused your malady. Besides you know what consumtion of said food has done to the populace of this nation. "BUSH" being the prime example.

Anonymous said...

Are you sure its a Deity? Sounds more like a mischevoius imp trying toget your attention ... Hope you catch it and put it in its place:)

La Sirena said...

Oh, Pelmo...Your prejudices against mexican cuisine are famous. You are missing out, my friend!

I Bard, You could be right, since imps are historically fond of my company and attention.

I'll take your advice -- tis the season for possession.

pelmo said...

If you call volcanic eruptions from my body as missing out on something. So be it. As the old saying goes. Wisdom comes with age.

La Sirena said...

Ah, then you must be very, very wise.

pelmo said...

Something to scare you out of your wits on halloween.
I am passing all this wisdom on to your son.

La Sirena said...

Holy crap!

I heard about the Tale of the Tiny Garage Door and the Wall that Must Come Down....he snowed his poor pregnant aunt with his fictions.

It did not escape my notice that he had just been hanging around with you.

pelmo said...

Wax on, wax off.
Nice to have a student who learns so quickly.

Indigobusiness said...

Anyone with prejudice against Mexican cuisine hath no wisdom.

Vulcanism is no excuse.

La Sirena said...

Well, you have to understand Pelmo. He likes to serve all of our sacred cows on a toasted bun with mustard.

pelmo said...

Is there any corolation between the increase in Mexican resturants and the increase of republicans. Remember that the head honcho is a prime example of what happens when you consume that cuisine. During one of his volcanic eruptions any brains he had disappeared.

pelmo said...

Unlike Ms. La Sirena who likes her mushrooms, or Mr Indigo who prefers toads, our bovine friends have nothing to fear, since my preference is Kugelis, zepelinai and a good bowl of hot beet soup. Something that stays with you, instead of taking an expressway thru you.

La Sirena said...

OK Pelmo...enough with the bashing of the Mexican Cuisine!

There is no correlation between Mexican Food and Bush's lobotomy.

I've defended you to IB on this topic. Let go of the bone.