Happy Halloween!

Don't forget to meet the girls for drinks...

Red Tape

There was nothing I could do about it. As an Earthling, I had to believe whatever clocks said -- and calendars.
Kurt Vonnegut

The problem is that I don't really believe -- I know that our puny measurement of time and place is bullshit, but I have to go along with it because of where and when I am. It's much harder to play the game when you can't really see the board.

We're supposed to have our cars registered, licensed and insured. Additionally, you must have a driver's license to drive a car. (I seem to always be losing mine -- the actual card, I mean.) Then all of these pieces of paper have to renewed monthly, yearly and every few years and you have to keep track of when they have to be renewed and you have to be able to produce them on a moment's notice or suffer fines and possible incarceration. And I haven't even begun to list the additional insurances and registrations expected -- mortgages, taxes and water bills. We've enslaved ourselves to documentation, which is neither an art nor a science.

I believe I am a reasonably capable woman, but I must admit that the task of organizing the paperwork of my life is so far past me. I'd rather spend my time and energy making a good tipi and warm clothes and figuring out a nice garden.

I'm afraid entropy will eat us. I'm almost welcoming Armageddon. Let the zealously religious and those who believe in over-ordering order rise up body and soul to a different plane where they can legislate and proscribe to their hearts content. Leave the earth to us heathens.

The Strange Luck of Captain Burrito

In other weird weekend news, the kid won a burrito-eating contest (it was a fund-raiser for a local college). Yup! My baby scarfed his burrito down quicker than any of the other contestants and won himself 52 burritos. I'm so proud.

Strange luck runs with us.

Devil Juice

So every year this poor little rich boy throws this GINORMOUS party in his warehouse on the Chicago River for Devil’s Night (aka the Saturday before Halloween.) A friend of mine manages the bars (there were 7 this year) and I get to make sure my tending skills don’t completely dry up and blow away.

This year I worked in “the Lounge” – aka the Club Room aka the Sex/ Ecstasy Room, so named by me because of the amount of people rolling on E and/or with each other in that room. This year, a better name for it would have been the Tequila Striptease Room. Around 3 a.m., I helped (I Dream of) Jeannie slice away the filmy fabric that comprised 98% of the bottom 50% of her costume with my wine opener so that she could get back to the very serious business of hula-hooping. I’ve never seen such a skilled hula-hooper. This moment sponsored by tequila.

Immediately after that, a real yuppie-looking guy walked up in nothing but button-down shirt and boring tie, one hand balancing his cell phone/wallet/ keys and the other clasped in the fingers of Slutty Jailbait Rainbow Bright (who was actually rather sweet, but I’m attempting to paint a picture, here.) They ordered 2 beers and 2 shots of Patron. This moment sponsored by tequila.

I wore a rather simple costume, because we get very busy and messy and you try bartending out of scaffolding and coolers for a roomful of 300 thirsty, intoxicated and overexcited dancers to a deep bass pulse and see how far you get within the confines of most costumes. Therefore, I went as a literal interpretation of Resident Evil (the party theme) in a lab coat with the ID badge I.M. Evil, M.D. This concrete costume really bothered the kid for some reason – he felt I should have named myself Delores Evil or somesuch.

Also, I met a bunch of fun guys and one of them is supposed to take me out this week, so we’ll see. (Bonus: He is NOT a musician.)

I wish I could show you pics, but I never bring a camera since it would be completely sodden by the end of the party (like every other thing I bring there).

All in all, it's a hellatiously good party and I get paid to be there...

Your Score: The butterfly

You scored 50% monkey, 16% toucan, 33% jaguar, 0% meerkat

You are one who simply flutters about in life not particulary attached to any group. You do not fit in life's typical categories. Your mood can affect your day and who you hang out with or not. Somedays you like the outdoors, while other days you would rather stay inside....you may however also suffer from a lack of motivation. Though when motivated you can accomplish great things.

Link: The animal personality test Test written by the-anti-whore on OkCupid , home of the The Dating Persona Test

Painting by Kazuya Akimoto.

Stop Yelling At Me

To the bleached-blonde kept woman driving the brand-spanking-new Lexus in her just-so pink sweats on the way home from her mani and pedi who is fond of catastrophising in that very special super-nasal, suburban C- average of the MRS major who has blessed the city with her presence and is running up the cost of living faster than her credit cards:

Stop yelling at me. I only let you go on that way because I was fantasizing about punching you repeatedly in any one of your surgically-enhanced body parts. That's wrong, so I didn't move a muscle, nor talk, nor breathe too much. Beware the silent flaring nostrils.

To the arrogant youth from a culture that doesn't necessarily appreciate brassy dames asserting anything, much less daring to remind men of the accepted standard of line-standing etiquette:

Stop yelling at me! Don't assume a wounded look or point your finger too close to my nose or call me a liar. The whole chicken-shit line backed me up and thanked me for stopping you from taking orders from every girl in your class who happened to walk past.

All ex-boyfriends and bossy types should also stop yelling at me. I'm feeling raw. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to keep my temper. I am a Taurus, I have been on simmer for days and days and I am deeply concerned for all of our well-being. Please, stop now.

Thank you.

"We Can't All Be Wedding Cake."

I love this tune! It's a good wake-up-and-face-whatever-bullshit-the-world's-throwing-your-way-today kind of a song. Their label is Merge Records, which appears to still be a small label and represents acts such as Arcade Fire and Buzzcocks.

This clip is from The Late Show. Whatever you think of Dave, he appreciates good music of all genres and Paul Schaeffer is a gifted arranger and band leader. Also, when not completely rattled by insomnia, I tend to go to sleep with them most nights -- so maybe I'm biased.

I just heard on the radio that Spoon is playing a New Year's show at Metro or somewhere. Sounds like a ton of fun, but it will most likely cost about a bajillion dollars (well, maybe a hundred dollars). I need a sugar daddy if I ever plan to have a rock and roll lifestyle.

Happy Birthday ...

...to my Fairy Goddaughter!

For You

Listen to "For You" by Bruce Springsteen.

Princess cards she sends me with her regards
barroom eyes shine vacancy, to see her you gotta look hard.

Wounded deep in battle, I stand stuffed like some soldier undaunted
To her Cheshire smile. I'll stand on file, she's all I ever wanted.

But you let your blue walls get in the way of these facts
honey, get your carpetbaggers off my back

you wouldn't even give me time to cover my tracks.

You said, "Here's your mirror and your ball and jacks".
But they're not what I came for, and I'm sure you see that too

I came for you, for you, I came for you, but you did not need my urgency
I came for you, for you, I came for you, but your life was one long emergency

and your cloud line urges me, and my electric surges free

Crawl into my ambulance, your pulse is getting weak
reveal yourself all now to me girl while you've got the strength to speak

Cause they're waiting for you at Bellevue with their oxygen masks
But I could give it all to you now if only you could ask.

And don't call for your surgeon even he says it's too late
It's not your lungs this time, it's your heart that holds your fate

Don't give me money, honey, I don't want it back
you and your pony face and your union jack
well take your local joker and teach him how to act

I swear I was never that way even when I really cracked
Didn't you think I knew that you were born with the power of a locomotive
able to leap tall buildings in a single bound?

And your Chelsea suicide with no apparent motive
you could laugh and cry in a single sound.

And your strength is devastating in the face of all these odds

Remember how I kept you waiting when it was my turn to be the god?

You were not quite half so proud when I found you broken on the beach
Remember how I poured salt on your tongue and hung just out of reach

And the band they played the homecoming theme as I caressed your cheek
That ragged, jagged melody she still clings to me like a leech.

But that medal you wore on your chest always got in the way
like a little girl with a trophy so soft to buy her way

We were both hitchhikers but you had your ear tuned to the roar
of some metal-tempered engine on an alien, distant shore

So you, left to find a better reason than the one we were living for
and it's not that nursery mouth I came back for
It's not the way you're stretched out on the floor

cause I've broken all your windows and I've rammed through all your doors
And who am I to ask you to lick my sores?
And you should know that's true...

I came for you, for you, I came for you, but you did not need my urgency

I came for you, for you, I came for you, but your life was one long emergency

and your cloud line urges me, and my electric surges free

Rule of Law

You Fit Into Me

You fit into me

like a hook into an eye

a fish hook

an open eye

-Margaret Atwood

Twit is my inspiration. Go see his original which spawned this hellion.

Mercury Retrograde Is Kicking My Ass

Ahhh... Mercury. You magnetic, relative planet moving as quickly and erratically as the messenger god you were named for.

Mercury is the god of communication, travel, merchants, thieves, gamblers, ambassadors and alchemy. He was originally god of the trade in corn. He is said to be the father of Pan. His mother is Maia. His festival is the Mercuralia on 15 May. He was very popular with the Celts, who equated him with a number of their deities. Mercury carries the Caduceus, the symbol of immortality and the art of healing. (Text from The Yew Tree, a site by Yvonne Aburrow.)

What the planet rules (astrologically speaking) is very similiar to the qualities of the god. And when a planet is retrograde, all that it rules gets a bit skewed. So during Mercury Retrograde you'll see more car accidents (transportation), there are often problems with telephones and computers (communication), and we all seem to be wandering around mucking things up and acting generally as if all of our synapses are not firing properly (wit).

You generally do not want to sign a contract during a Mercury Retrograde. Often something will go wrong. It's also a bad idea to start a relationship during MR, as it will most likely crumble quickly. Conversely, break-ups initiated during MR rarely stick -- which is fortunate, since at this time many couples have bitter disagreements due to miscommunication.

Good luck, gentle readers. This will be over on November 1st (All Saints Day).

Couch

It embraces you and makes it easier to sleep against the static and cathode ray burning through insomnia's pacing and you never have to face the vast linen scold of your queen size mattress waking beneath the ecstatic 5 a.m. bleating gymnastics of the love and needle junky giantess upstairs.

This is a third-beer-confession to your drinking buddy who also confesses to not sleeping in his bed since June, which is nice because it kind of becomes an extra closet a place for the things you should put away during insomnia's drop-ins but don't and somehow you never feel so empty on the couch and you can't toss and turn. It's a rough but not unwelcome hug, like your daddy's razor burns.

Image by Maya Gohill.

Does That Include You?

In case you hadn't noticed here, here, or here -- I think Ann Coulter is an irrational, self-loathing idiot.

Her latest echolalial tangent involves the role of single women (a demographic which inexplicably includes soccer moms in the hallucinatory sovereign world of Coulter) and the continued existence of the Democratic Party. Well, duh! Who but a rich white man (or a brainwashed christianazi) is going to vote Republican? The law of mathematics would then mean that once you subtract the rich, white men from the population of voters, those voting for Democrats would include a majority of females. This isn't some kind of genius insight Ann.

But what exactly do you mean by the following statement?

"If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat (sic) president"

-- Ann Coulter

When you received your lobotomy did they also remove your genitals as well as your ability to correctly use the English language? Or is it just the brain damage caused by years of starvation which causes you to forget your gender? Are you willing to give up your own right to vote for the greater good of the Big Oil Party? Are you actually an android being controlled by the Greys via remote so that they can continue uninterrupted in their plans to gentically re-engineer the human race by convincing the christianazis that their space fleet is actually a cadre of angels come to bring the rapture?

Seek therapy immediately, Ann. Also, stop smoking crack before appearing on television. It's bad form.

Why does anyone still let Ann speak in public? Come on, Rupert! Even you must know better by now.

just one more?

he precedes himself in sleep pleads his case to my subconscious seduces me with my own id and then comes closer casually in reality as if he needn't try

no, that's a lie

the part about reality in reality he chases me for as long as it takes closing his ears to seven thousand "no"s which pass from my lips he has kissed seven thousand times and i hold him in contempt because he doesn't hold me but i always seem to weaken to collapse to fall into bed again accidentally at request number seven thousand and one

i like to piss him off i purposefully court his ire and always ask him how his girlfriend is but he comes again and again and there really are no girlfriends music is his mistress he is his own best friend which is good since he has neither money nor emotion and he rambles on about politics for hours watching cspan until my teeth chatter i will not take off my clothes until he turns off the television his secret fantasy is getting head on his mushy gold couch while watching cheney's impeachment hearings

i have asked him seven thousand times to leave me in peace and peacefully seven thousand times he has refused

Cuz Froth Comes Out

I clean the house I put all your books in an order
I make up a colorful border
I clean my mouth
'Cause froth comes out

Send it up on fire
Death before dawn
Send it up on fire
Death before dawn

Canary

Liz Phair

I am gently balancing upon myself trying not to upset the apple cart, upset the flow, upset the status quo and I wonder why for am I being so diplomatic with the stupid people who insist on lowering the bar again and again and no matter how hard you try to squeeze yourself into their camouflage just so you can survive the day, your seams are always bursting and your straps drooping and everyone knows that you're just woefully inadequate at normalcy.

.

I'm going to invent a petty transformer ray and those who insist on pushing their stupid little agendas on me -- no matter how much I smile and diplomatically cooperate -- those people will be caught in the acid green of my petty transformer ray and will be forced to spend the rest of the day in a bubble gum pink clown outfit.

Surely, 24 hours as a clown could be an antidote for rampant Stockholm Syndrome?

Wonder Woman

Make a hawk a dove,

Stop a war with love,

Make a liar tell the truth.

Wonder Woman,

Get us out from under, Wonder Woman.

All our hopes are pinned on you.

And the magic that you do.

Stop a bullet cold, Make the Axis fall,

Change their minds, and change the world.

Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman.

You're a wonder, Wonder Woman.

I stole this picture of my goddaughter -- who is the greatest girl in the whole wide world -- from my sister.

No Clams ...

I have been really, really broke so I picked up some extra work. The pay hasn't started coming though quite yet and I dug myself into a neat little hole, deep enough to draw water from SO I still am completely broke, only now I'm running around like the Mad Woman of Chicago.

But it keeps me out of the nets, I guess.

It would all be ok if the bill collectors would just learn to take a more Zen approach to life.

In fact, let's all just take a more Zen approach to life.

Later.